Big Brother

I've never watched the reality show and I've never finished reading 1984 but right now I feel like I'm in the middle of both. And I'm probably over exaggerating and it's not as bad as it sounds...
Earlier this week my boss had camera's installed all over our workplace. There are a few spots without camera's but I've been told that it's only for a little while and they are working on covering those "blind spots". The leadership (which I'm a part of) has been assured that we are not being spied on  (even though they've mentioned how they can pull footage up at their home) and the way they've assured us of this is by questioning our actions. They called back one of our managers to the office, when she walked in she saw herself on the screen. They asked her why she did whatever it was she did. "They just didn't understand" (Playing dumb). Before this incident, in a meeting I wasn't a part of, they questioned why I was in the office on my phone. They have yet to come to me and ask me about it, but they brought it before all the other leaders. And they keep saying they're not spying on us. I understand it's their business, they can do what they want, they have a right to make sure things are being done correctly, but I'll tell you another thing I know. It's breeding paranoia. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything, that they are watching me all the time and even if I do everything right they'll find something to question me about.

But, as Miss Lisa would say, this is an opportunity for me to bear spiritual fruit! So I hope that's what I do, after all, long-suffering is spiritual fruit :-)

Creative gluttony

I want to be more creative, but I'm not artistically creative. I can't knit, or crochet, or sew, or paint, or sing (you get the idea) My whole family is creative in that way! But what I really want to be is like the youtube stars I watch daily. I'm torn, part of me says that they get there because they go out in life and experience it and that's why they have things to talk about. The other part of me laughs at that because they are on a schedule and put out videos weekly! And if there is one thing blimey cow has taught me it's that making videos takes a ton of effort.

So, I was doing good there for a week or so, I was watching new videos and reading books, I had opinions and new thoughts but the problem is I don't take the time to capture these things, I just sit there and think them to myself or passionately spew them to Emily and then forget them as soon as they're outside of me. She says I need to record myself so I can remember. That's an idea. But I'm uncomfortable with talking to myself. I'm so incredibly privet even with myself! GEEZ! Relax a little Soph.

The gluttony part comes in now, I've been over dosing on youtube videos. I just sit and watch for hours. It's so great to see these people sharing themselves, giving ideas, trying to explain things, but if I'm just sitting there taking it in and not doing anything with it, what good is it? Not all youtubers create their videos to help people out (Every time I'm reminded of this though I get kind of disgusted with the stupidity of some channels) but those who do want their subscribers to go out there and do something! When I make the rare video it's because I want to share an experience with people and maybe help them avoid my mistakes or understand something they are going through. Anyhow, the overdosing has been done all in the name of exposing myself to creativity and therefore make me better. All it's done is make me sit at my computer for hours watching videos when I could be doing something awesome or at least reading something awesome!

Okay, so that's all for now.
If you're interested in some of my favorite Youtubers please take the time to check out some of these people!
Mike Falzone
Charlie McDonnell
Phil Lester
and last but not least Tessa!
I have a ton more favorites but these youtubers specifically are who I want to be like? I really like their style! Okay, the end.

Giving my heart away

I was raised in a christian home, by parents raised in christian homes. I believed in Jesus and that I belonged to him ever since I can remember. I never really questioned my salvation until I reached about 12 or 13, I started to worry that I wasn't really saved or that I would lose it....or something along those lines. One night, when I was 14, I was asked when I accepted Christ into my heart and it was then that I really actually thought about it and realized I had no clue, had I ever? Perhaps that's where my doubt was coming from. I went home that night and asked my mom and she lovingly reassured me that I had accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 2. I love my mother, I believe and trust her and in no way feel as if she was trying to brush aside my concern but that night I realized I wasn't "saved". I had lived my life to this point not knowing I didn't know. So, a few days later with my mother and my pastor's wife I wept and asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins and make me clean so I could go to heaven and no longer be terrified of going to hell.

Almost 10 years later I'm finally giving my heart to Jesus.

Please, don't misunderstand me, I'm not having a midlife salvation crisis. I just know me (a little) and I know that I have been keeping my heart from my God. I've been holding on to it except for those moments that I tried throwing it to some random guy. I wanted my heart, I wanted to give it away to someone, anyone really, who would take it. Seriously, lets just imagine for a moment me standing behind a random guy with my heart in my hands and I'm just shoving it on to him, he doesn't want it and yet here I am, determined to give it to him, thrusting my heart on him and all he wants to do is brush it off and walk away, but I'm fixated and I run after him yelling, "Wait! you forgot my heart!"

It's amazing how often I don't get it. But I'm tired of me holding it, I can't anymore. The damage is redicules and that is saying a lot considering I have never been in a relationship with a guy! How do you get your heart in a mess then? Oh, please. Just trust me on this one, you can. I have.

Am I giving up on love? And I giving up on men? Am I going "vegan" like Katie Nic Aoidh in "The decoy bride"? No, I'm just not chasing it anymore. I've waited like the church tells you, I've chased like the world tells you and all I've ended up with is a wounded heart and a warped view of myself and the whole love thing. I've heard any and every kind of advice and I'm done. I really am okay with my status. Yes, I'm lonely, yes I want to be loved like I see my sisters and my friends are, but I am loved. Even though it isn't romantic love it's all I need to get by :) If romantic love comes my way sometime I'll count it as a bonus, as for now I'm just going to be me, not love crazy (or craving). I'm going to be the me I know I am but the one I think not too many of you know.

Pwnd

Who knew it was so difficult to delete your facebook account? I started this process on Wednesday? After I was (somewhat) successful I was reminded that my pinterest is linked to my FB and I could no longer log in. So I had to go and get back on and change my settings so I log in with Twitter. Delete again, today I realized that my spotify account is also linked to FB. Smh, log back in and try to switch that account, realize I cant and make a new one. Facebook will not win! YOU DON'T OWN ME! Oops, sorry! Don't mean to sound crazy. But wait, how did you delete your account and then go back, delete it again, go back and delete it one last time?
That's because you CAN'T delete your account but only "deactivate" it. And if you choose to reactivate it all you have to do is log in. Yup, Mark doesn't want you to leave, you can no longer erase your FB, it will always be there to remind you of your embarrassing internet past. I'm disturbed about this! I should be able to delete this account if I want, to walk away and say I'm done. Instead they leave it there, allowing you to log in and pick up right where you left off. And you know what they are counting on? Not being able to walk away.

I'm walking away, I'm 2 weeks sober. It's been hard, I feel left out and I'm already filling the facebook gap with netflix. But, one small step leads to the next, I told my sister Katie last night that I know to be really sucessful at this living life thing I'd need to cut out netflix, perhaps even Instagram and Twitter. I know, I'm really nuts now. Instead of depending on Social media to interact I'd have to interact! When you think about it, this internet is just a giant black hole waiting to suck you in, no matter your personality. Shy? That's okay, you don't have to ACTUALLY be around people and you can take your time on how you want to leave your first impression. Drama queen? The internet was made for you!

(All the things meme originated from this lovely and amusing blog)

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the internet and I understand how many people use it as a tool, but sites like facebook and twitter and instagram give you the power of becoming famous from your living room without really doing much. It's tempting, but what is the point of 2,000+ followers when all you're doing is making a fool of yourself/posting mind numbingly stupid things/making up facts that are in no way true? It's also produced a generation of people who believe anything! The very internet that gave us the ability to look things up for ourselves, to know the truth, turned us into a bunch of sheep that believe anything they see repinned on Pinterest!

Example:

Are these really the things you want in your obituary? Inscribed on your tombstone? Is this all we are striving for? I'm ashamed that I has allowed myself to get sucked in, instead of using it as a tool I've let it use me.

 My Dad has come up to N.C. twice so far this year, the first time for Ana's birth and the second for Emily and Gary's graduation, and I've cherished and looked forward to these moments because my Dad doesn't waste his time talking nonsense, he isn't easily amused and he's not content to just sit and do nothing. Time with my Dad means time using my brain and thinking for myself. It's kind of sad for me to realize that I was looking forward to my Dad coming because I was ready to use my brain instead of continuing on auto-pilot.

People in the past did great things, they didn't rely on being spoon fed everything. If you want it, you go get it. People still do this now, but it's becoming more and more rare (soon to be Alexndria's Genesis) and even then you're hard pressed to find someone who does great things without needing their audience via social media. (Like me and this blog, lol!)

Okay, so this is the end, I'll get off my soapbox. I just want to say that I have yet to regret my decision and am looking forward to the day when I don't need instant access to the X-files to have fun :)

The best fake relationship I never had

I have never had an actual, romantic, relationship in my whole 22.9 years of life. I have had plenty of feelings, oh boy, that's for sure! But let me tell you about the love of my life.

I've hoped more then once that my (hopefully) future boyfriend will treat me as well as the love of my life did. There was this boy that I worked with at my first job, beautiful, charming, affectionate the whole stinking package. Seriously, probably my first love. I met him when I was 15 and I believe he was 17. But this is unimportant, let me tell you why I loved him, my fake boyfriend.

He told me he loved me, he told me he wanted to marry me, he held my hand, he gave me the most amazing hugs I've ever had in my LIFE! We were mushy gushy in front of our coworkers and didn't care. He didn't care. (I was pretty dorky at the time, homeschooled my whole life, first job, minor social interaction, giant nerdy little dweeb.) I was in love and he played along.

((Thank you, you don't know it but you made me feel beautiful and I haven't felt that in a long time.))

My "love language" is physical touch and he spoke it. Don't freak out, it was only ever hugs (while on the front line) and hand holding. But I think it's a good picture for people who might not understand that particular "LL" Just because that's how I hear love loudest doesn't mean we need to be canoodling in a bed, sometimes I just need a hand on my shoulder, a pat on the back, a hug. Which leads me to also mention that all love isn't just romantic love, sometimes we just need love. From our parents, our siblings, or random people like friends or coworkers, love is encouraging. Especially love from someone that isn't related to you. You're immediate family is most likely going to love you a lot because they know you most, your good and bad side, your selfish and sacrificial. But coworkers most of the time only see a certain aspect, and probably see you under pressure more then other people. and to love you anyways, to forgive you when you loose your temper even though they don't have to, that's cool.

Now, do I think this love between me and this guy was real? No, not on the romantic side and especially not on his side (I'm good at unrequited love!) But I like to reflect on it sometime, to remind myself when I feel hopeless, if he can pretend that well that I was his world, then it's entirely possible someone out there will feel that way for real!

Yeah, so this blog is being written at 2 A.M. by a half asleep Sophie. But it popped in my head and I thought I must write it down. I'll be 100% honest right now, I've been super discouraged lately on this whole part of my life,. Especially because I'm trying to work on a difficult friendship with this guy and every time I feel like I make progress something happens that pushes me back to start.

So I guess this is more for me then anyone else, to remind myself that there was a time that I was loved, or at least treated like it :D

Even though it was fake, I feel like I've learned a thing or two about relationships because of it. So, Thanks, Love-of-my-life!