Giving my heart away

I was raised in a christian home, by parents raised in christian homes. I believed in Jesus and that I belonged to him ever since I can remember. I never really questioned my salvation until I reached about 12 or 13, I started to worry that I wasn't really saved or that I would lose it....or something along those lines. One night, when I was 14, I was asked when I accepted Christ into my heart and it was then that I really actually thought about it and realized I had no clue, had I ever? Perhaps that's where my doubt was coming from. I went home that night and asked my mom and she lovingly reassured me that I had accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 2. I love my mother, I believe and trust her and in no way feel as if she was trying to brush aside my concern but that night I realized I wasn't "saved". I had lived my life to this point not knowing I didn't know. So, a few days later with my mother and my pastor's wife I wept and asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins and make me clean so I could go to heaven and no longer be terrified of going to hell.

Almost 10 years later I'm finally giving my heart to Jesus.

Please, don't misunderstand me, I'm not having a midlife salvation crisis. I just know me (a little) and I know that I have been keeping my heart from my God. I've been holding on to it except for those moments that I tried throwing it to some random guy. I wanted my heart, I wanted to give it away to someone, anyone really, who would take it. Seriously, lets just imagine for a moment me standing behind a random guy with my heart in my hands and I'm just shoving it on to him, he doesn't want it and yet here I am, determined to give it to him, thrusting my heart on him and all he wants to do is brush it off and walk away, but I'm fixated and I run after him yelling, "Wait! you forgot my heart!"

It's amazing how often I don't get it. But I'm tired of me holding it, I can't anymore. The damage is redicules and that is saying a lot considering I have never been in a relationship with a guy! How do you get your heart in a mess then? Oh, please. Just trust me on this one, you can. I have.

Am I giving up on love? And I giving up on men? Am I going "vegan" like Katie Nic Aoidh in "The decoy bride"? No, I'm just not chasing it anymore. I've waited like the church tells you, I've chased like the world tells you and all I've ended up with is a wounded heart and a warped view of myself and the whole love thing. I've heard any and every kind of advice and I'm done. I really am okay with my status. Yes, I'm lonely, yes I want to be loved like I see my sisters and my friends are, but I am loved. Even though it isn't romantic love it's all I need to get by :) If romantic love comes my way sometime I'll count it as a bonus, as for now I'm just going to be me, not love crazy (or craving). I'm going to be the me I know I am but the one I think not too many of you know.