Giving my heart away

I was raised in a christian home, by parents raised in christian homes. I believed in Jesus and that I belonged to him ever since I can remember. I never really questioned my salvation until I reached about 12 or 13, I started to worry that I wasn't really saved or that I would lose it....or something along those lines. One night, when I was 14, I was asked when I accepted Christ into my heart and it was then that I really actually thought about it and realized I had no clue, had I ever? Perhaps that's where my doubt was coming from. I went home that night and asked my mom and she lovingly reassured me that I had accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 2. I love my mother, I believe and trust her and in no way feel as if she was trying to brush aside my concern but that night I realized I wasn't "saved". I had lived my life to this point not knowing I didn't know. So, a few days later with my mother and my pastor's wife I wept and asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins and make me clean so I could go to heaven and no longer be terrified of going to hell.

Almost 10 years later I'm finally giving my heart to Jesus.

Please, don't misunderstand me, I'm not having a midlife salvation crisis. I just know me (a little) and I know that I have been keeping my heart from my God. I've been holding on to it except for those moments that I tried throwing it to some random guy. I wanted my heart, I wanted to give it away to someone, anyone really, who would take it. Seriously, lets just imagine for a moment me standing behind a random guy with my heart in my hands and I'm just shoving it on to him, he doesn't want it and yet here I am, determined to give it to him, thrusting my heart on him and all he wants to do is brush it off and walk away, but I'm fixated and I run after him yelling, "Wait! you forgot my heart!"

It's amazing how often I don't get it. But I'm tired of me holding it, I can't anymore. The damage is redicules and that is saying a lot considering I have never been in a relationship with a guy! How do you get your heart in a mess then? Oh, please. Just trust me on this one, you can. I have.

Am I giving up on love? And I giving up on men? Am I going "vegan" like Katie Nic Aoidh in "The decoy bride"? No, I'm just not chasing it anymore. I've waited like the church tells you, I've chased like the world tells you and all I've ended up with is a wounded heart and a warped view of myself and the whole love thing. I've heard any and every kind of advice and I'm done. I really am okay with my status. Yes, I'm lonely, yes I want to be loved like I see my sisters and my friends are, but I am loved. Even though it isn't romantic love it's all I need to get by :) If romantic love comes my way sometime I'll count it as a bonus, as for now I'm just going to be me, not love crazy (or craving). I'm going to be the me I know I am but the one I think not too many of you know.

Pwnd

Who knew it was so difficult to delete your facebook account? I started this process on Wednesday? After I was (somewhat) successful I was reminded that my pinterest is linked to my FB and I could no longer log in. So I had to go and get back on and change my settings so I log in with Twitter. Delete again, today I realized that my spotify account is also linked to FB. Smh, log back in and try to switch that account, realize I cant and make a new one. Facebook will not win! YOU DON'T OWN ME! Oops, sorry! Don't mean to sound crazy. But wait, how did you delete your account and then go back, delete it again, go back and delete it one last time?
That's because you CAN'T delete your account but only "deactivate" it. And if you choose to reactivate it all you have to do is log in. Yup, Mark doesn't want you to leave, you can no longer erase your FB, it will always be there to remind you of your embarrassing internet past. I'm disturbed about this! I should be able to delete this account if I want, to walk away and say I'm done. Instead they leave it there, allowing you to log in and pick up right where you left off. And you know what they are counting on? Not being able to walk away.

I'm walking away, I'm 2 weeks sober. It's been hard, I feel left out and I'm already filling the facebook gap with netflix. But, one small step leads to the next, I told my sister Katie last night that I know to be really sucessful at this living life thing I'd need to cut out netflix, perhaps even Instagram and Twitter. I know, I'm really nuts now. Instead of depending on Social media to interact I'd have to interact! When you think about it, this internet is just a giant black hole waiting to suck you in, no matter your personality. Shy? That's okay, you don't have to ACTUALLY be around people and you can take your time on how you want to leave your first impression. Drama queen? The internet was made for you!

(All the things meme originated from this lovely and amusing blog)

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the internet and I understand how many people use it as a tool, but sites like facebook and twitter and instagram give you the power of becoming famous from your living room without really doing much. It's tempting, but what is the point of 2,000+ followers when all you're doing is making a fool of yourself/posting mind numbingly stupid things/making up facts that are in no way true? It's also produced a generation of people who believe anything! The very internet that gave us the ability to look things up for ourselves, to know the truth, turned us into a bunch of sheep that believe anything they see repinned on Pinterest!

Example:

Are these really the things you want in your obituary? Inscribed on your tombstone? Is this all we are striving for? I'm ashamed that I has allowed myself to get sucked in, instead of using it as a tool I've let it use me.

 My Dad has come up to N.C. twice so far this year, the first time for Ana's birth and the second for Emily and Gary's graduation, and I've cherished and looked forward to these moments because my Dad doesn't waste his time talking nonsense, he isn't easily amused and he's not content to just sit and do nothing. Time with my Dad means time using my brain and thinking for myself. It's kind of sad for me to realize that I was looking forward to my Dad coming because I was ready to use my brain instead of continuing on auto-pilot.

People in the past did great things, they didn't rely on being spoon fed everything. If you want it, you go get it. People still do this now, but it's becoming more and more rare (soon to be Alexndria's Genesis) and even then you're hard pressed to find someone who does great things without needing their audience via social media. (Like me and this blog, lol!)

Okay, so this is the end, I'll get off my soapbox. I just want to say that I have yet to regret my decision and am looking forward to the day when I don't need instant access to the X-files to have fun :)